Spring in the Garden

By Alan Itcharse

Now is the time for all fair-weather gardeners to venture out in the garden without a fleece. After the winds and frosts of winter the garden looks like a bombsite so get out your secateurs and loppers and hack away at the overhanging branches and the trees that fell over the path in the gales. Grab all the brown dead bits and pull them off and stuff them in a bin bag or a green wheelie bin if you have one. Chop off the messy bulb leaves about 1” from the ground because they look messy. Collect all the fallen leaves so you can see where the dandelions are, then dig down a bit and pull them out. You know they will come back because you haven’t got all the root out, but never mind, you will have something to do next year.

Get a long pair of rubber gloves and a hand rake. Dredge the pond to remove all the long grasses that have fallen in and discover the little blackbird that sat on the edge of the pond and mysteriously disappeared over the winter has been hibernating at the bottom. A bit paler than last year so obviously it’s now a female blackbird. Remove all the big pebbles at the back of the pond so you can dig up that beautiful grass which has had about 11 babies and is trying it’s best to go for a swim, making sure you knock off 2 or 3 branches from the lovely purple acer in doing so. Put a plant from a pot in the hole so that it won’t die if you don’t get to water it enough in the hot weather. Replace the pebbles

Remove the ornamental millet that was a beautiful sight last year but now is a huge, 6ft-tall brown feathery object blocking the view of the things behind it. Put another plant from a pot in its place. Tie up the honeysuckle, vine and clematis to train them over the pergola, which you have noted has moved during the dark months and is now slanting down a bit. Plant the mahonia that your boss gave you for your birthday last December before it gives up the ghost.

Fix trellis to fence panel at the back for the winter jasmine that is creeping along the floor since the old panel blew into the garden, making sure you rip yourself to pieces on the firethorn at the side of it and also make sure to tread on the white flowered thing in front. Cut off the underneath branches of the salix so you can see the hibiscus behind it.

And last but not least, secure the tree peony whose upper body was far too heavy for its spindly legs, having a wondrous 9 huge blossoms this year. And don’t forget to hit your thumb several times whilst hammering in the stake.

There, that’s better isn’t it?